you know that saying, “be careful what you wish for”?
sometimes when what you want comes it changes everything and, even if you give it back, you find yourself forever altered. even when you cherish what you’ve received it is likely that things will never be the same again. i suppose that wishing for progress and comfort simultaneously is an exercise in futility but there must be some way to maintain balance. the progress and the comfort…the dare to risk and the good sense to hesitate.
i found myself sitting at my desk today looking at all the things i must do next week and also looking back at all the things i did that got me to that point. if it was a scene in a movie, the camera would have circled around me at my desk, blindly staring into my computer and into space. on the 3rd rotation we would see me, 7 years ago at my first day of work in new york city. fresh and young and fearless. insecure, unaware and overcompensating.
all the steps, slips, leaps, slides, falls and flights that have occurred between that day and today crept up on me in the form of a terrifying, 3 kilometer long spreadsheet. i was confused for a moment and thought that i was having anxiety over the work itself but, having stepped away, i realize that it’s not so. the reality is that i am exactly where i told myself i wanted to be those 7 years ago (metaphorically speaking, of course) and i am doing exactly the things that i dreamed i would be doing.
it doesn’t surprise me that i have achieved some of my goals at the tender age of 31 but what surprises me is the path i had to go down to get to this place. who would have thought that getting fired from a crappy waitressing gig would see my staring down the barrel of that massive, complicated spreadsheet? or that my divorce was the key to understanding how to be happy and secure with myself? or that going to business school would see me develop my photographic pursuits into something so fruitful? or that inserting an ocean between myself and most of the people i love would bring me closer to them?
i am both humbled and invigorated by the notion and power of CHOICE and how amazing it is to grow up and grow old on the planet earth. i am equally amazed at how those choices point you where you need to go and not necessarily where you want to go. the beauty resides in the realization that where you need to go is probably where you you ought to be…
“Choices 5”
By: Bryant Rousseau
i wouldn’t go backwards if i had a magic slide that made it possible but there was something comfortable about not having very fall to far if things turned south. there was also something comfortable about knowing that i was learning things for the first time. you know the, ‘fool me once it’s your fault…fool me twice it’s my fault” idea? making the same mistakes when i have learned them already (too many times) has a way of making me think about my approach. it makes me consider if i am learning or just spinning. seeing myself objectively for that split second this afternoon it occured to me that i have a much further way to fall than ever before (this is a good thing) and that, these days, i need to work a little harder at finding the balance between risk and hesitation (this is a necessary thing to preserve a good thing)….
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this print by Sarah hit a nerve the other day when i saw it and i couldn’t figure out why it moved me so much (aside from the fact that it’s beautiful). working out this realization that my arrow points forward and that there are places and times that i will never return to has made it clear why. i have found myself challenged by myself on all fronts. i am stretching for my job, my language, my relationships and my art. in the course of all this stretching i am learning some lessons more literally (or embarrassingly) than others and am bound to make some mistakes. one of the key learnings being that, mistakes are part of what brought me to where i am and will likely continue to point me in directions i am not expecting. i am a fan of the saying that “suffering builds character” and i guess the same is true for mistakes.
“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.”
~Mahatma Gandhi