Descending into the Molten Core

Perhaps its the extra daylight, the emerald blue skies, the reverberations of the Mothership rippling across the Atlantic or none of these things that has my wheels spinning today but all I know is they are spinning and they are spinning hard and fast.  One part longing, one part exhaustion, one part desire, one part refusal, one part quiet satisfaction and a smattering of embarrassment, selfishness, selflessness, hunger and fulfillment.

Click here for a soundtrack to this ramble

So far I have not found the science that could explain this state of being.  I think its because there isn’t one, per se.  Perhaps its just a human state.  The regular cycle that we all orbit and are run over by from time to time.  A cosmic debris and primordial ooze cocktail.  I wonder what you would garnish a drink like that with…a hot lava floater or maybe planets lined up on a toothpick like olives in a very dirty martini?  As my thoughts find their way into existnace I’m realizing that the “one part longing” I mentioned earlier is really more like 5 parts…

“when you went there, you wanted to come here.  now that you’re here, you want to go back.’  it was when i first realized i had a new nationality: citizen of the country of longing.”

I found that quote a while ago (thanks Addie) and it stayed with me the way a catchy jingle does or the scent of a lilac bush even after you’ve walked past it.  It’s lingered while I long(er)d.

So it’s sunday and its (almost) Spring and I want to drink it…drink it up, ingest it and feel on the inside how the mountain air smells and how blue the sky is.  If you could digest a color and feel it in your soul, what color would it be?  Like the molten core of a volcano, I would dip myself in thick, honey sweet orange and glow like the sun right before it hides under the horizon.

Finally admitting this longing instead of glossing over it like I’m all full-up, I am going to put my shoes on and go outside.  Eyes open.  Mind free of the weight of the pretense that I’m not looking for something.  I know that there is truth to the statement that it’s when you stop looking for something that you find it but what about when you’re not looking for anything in particular?  Then what?

I’m gonna go find out.

*_*